Today it officially hit me.....I am ready to go forward again. Depending on bills, life situations, etc...I am planning to get back on the TTC with Donor Sperm in July. I am so happy I didn't rush myself, panic or loss patience. I have always been a super patient person & I never appreciated it more then right now. I really needed to sort out some emotions & shift around some funds and life issues. Now, I feel energized and back on a level playing fields.
I need to share some recent happenings around here lately. As most of you know by now I am a Teacher and also a licensed Counselor. (I know strange combo - AMEN to that statement..LOL!) Well, usually when I meet new people I will tell them the Teacher part but NEVER usually the Counselor part..for oh, so many reasons. Anyhoo, I was talking to a co-worker last week who made me feel so sad & so thankful at the same time. This lady we will call her Ella. Ella is 34, a fellow Teacher and is working towards SMBC (Single Motherhood By Choice). Ella is the exact Example of what I don't want to be in regards to SMBC. Ella is 100% Lonely...over time this baby was her answer to "fill this void" in her life. My heart goes out to her...sincerely. However, I have had some long talks with her....NO person at my job knows my SMBC plans. Ella has no confidence, has self esteem issues..specially regarding her weight, hungers deeply for a significant other, is easily influenced and lacks a backbone to stand up for herself. For so long I have simply been a good "ear" to Ella and wanted to be a friendly shoulder to lean on. Last week, however she came to me and told me about her sudden 1 night stand and/or donor sperm SMBC plans........she ASKED me what I thought.....I said I wished her the best. Her response...."I will finally have someone to love me." I couldn't walk away from that...I just couldn't..I care about her to much.(well, to be honest, I care about anyone that much..it is the counselor in me) I needed to vent a little here about situations like this. I call this situation and EMOTIONAL CHECK. Where someone, this poor baby, will come into the world with EMOTIONAL DEBT owed to Mommy. No one deserves this, certainly NOT your baby. Ella is a WONDERFUL person and will make someone out there a wonderful Wife &/or Mother someday. Either One or Both. How I wish all the "Ella's" in the world could realize what wonderful gifts THEY have to give the world. The truth is NO ONE can ever "fix" what ails you......Only you can tap this Emotional battlefield. No child can ever truly fill this imbalance......and it is not their Job to try. I know Ella very well and I wish her the best, I just hope she REALLY searches inside herself for some answers to some TOUGH questions. I WILL NOT counsel or give advice(professionally) in my Teaching Job but as I friend I mentioned how much thought may need to go into the Choice & I wished her all the best.
I was out to dinner that night with a friend & I kept thinking about the situation. I am such an over-thinker..it is how I am wired. I am TRULY a nerd....I can't imagine making a decision like this on such a whim, I have seen the end results after people do & I can't handle that.
I am sure this post will scare off the readers I have left....but come on ladies stick with me....I just had to ramble here tonight..I needed it.
OK..I am done rambling..put a Fork in Me...cause I am DONE! Now, moving forward....On Sunday I am going to fix-up the Blog..put up new Tickers etc. I will be back to regular posts..as much as possible.
HEY.......SEX & THE CITY FANS......DID YA HEAR OUR "GIRLS" ARE MAKING A MOVIE????? Hell Yea.....this SATC Fan will be there with bells on....can they Make the Movie already!
Goodnight Peeps!
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14 comments:
More people need a good person to listen to them like you did for "Ella". You are such a kind and caring person- it will reflect well on your future offspring! Glad you took the time you needed to sort thru emotions and life and stuff... you're one smart cookie!
You are smart. And patient. Except when it comes to pregnancy tests. But that's ok. I'm not always patient and I know that sometimes it gets me into trouble. Hang in there and I hope you have another BFP soon.
I wish I had more people like you in my circle of friends. You are very enlightened, very educated, and very compassionate. I'm glad you took the time you needed to sort through the "stuff" in your life. Very wise! I wish you all the best and hope to hear about your sticky BFP soon.
I think you will make an awesome mother. Your child will definitely be raised in a well adjusted home. I wish you luck in your journey to motherhood.
I totally agree with you.... and you are going to make a wonderful mommy! I think you are so ready for that sticky BFP! I can't wait!
Im so glad to have you back :) I can understand were your at with "Ella." Ive been through that with co-workers before too. It still amazes me to this day though, I guess I dont see how a baby cures all your ailements. If anything it could make them worse. Thats why its so important to be stable and emotionally ready to be a mother, Which you are :) I cant wait to hear all about it!
Oh so true!! I hope Ella finds herself worthy of love and able to come at motherhood as fulfilling a maternal need rather than a need to fill a hole. I know for me it's more about giving love than getting it (despite the tone of my last post). I'm glad you'll be back at TTC next month. Take good care, sweety!!!
YEAH! Glad you are healed and ready to try again..
Good to have you back in blogland. You were missed.
How's your sweet Momma?
You are so right about this! 8 years ago, long before I knew I'd be adopting as a single mom, I decided that I was going to have a rich, full, happy life by myself, because, after all, how would I be happy with Mr. Right if I wasn't happy with myself, much less with a child? So, since I'd always been quite happy and able to go after things to improve my life, I took it to the next level with this mindset. Now, I've got my LID and look forward to all the things I can GIVE to my daughter and all that I'll receive from her will be a bonus.
A quote from Yanni's autobiography, Yanni in Words, resonated deeply with me when I read it years and years ago. It was something his father had told him...
"I didn't ask you if I could bring you into the world, therefore you owe me nothing and I owe you everything."
Hey where are you? Haven't heard much from you lately.
Candie??? Where are you????? Ive been hoping for some updates on how your doing! Please touch back down on earth long enough to say hi :)
Me too, just wondering where you went
I'm glad to see you're back again...! (I've been a little absent myself...so late catching up everywhere...) Good of you to talk with your friend, I imagine it must have been hard to hold your tongue on so many things that she really needs to hear though...
Where are you girl?
We miss you!!!
Come back! Come back!
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